“There’s snow on my Nobel Prize!”

By Steve K.

For the second time since February there is snow on the ground in 49 of the 50 States.  I don’t suppose the Nobel committee will ask Al Gore to return that meaningless award they gave him for his hot air on “global warming”.  I can’t even wonder about that yet, as I am still scratching my noggin trying to understand how he got it in the first place. And what the hell did Barack Hussein Obama do to get his prize?

Diseased Yorkshire Terrierist

Then I remembered that while Gandhi never got the Nobel Peace Prize, Yasser Arafat did. You remember Yasser, that scraggly, smelly, goggle-eyed leader of the terrorist group PLO who looked like a diseased yorkshire terrier, always yapping and nipping at the heels of Israel; so I don’t know why in the name of Mercury’s stinky winged sneakers I ever expected the Nobel committee to award their prizes to people who actually deserve it.  Even if Gore can stop groping a masseuse long enough to box up the prize to return it, UPS still has to wait for the snow to melt before they can pick it up.

Too bad we can’t take advantage of the weather and have another Winter Olympics. Remember the Luge sledder from the Republic of Georgia who died after wiping out and hitting that post at mach 2?  DAMN!  I want to see that again! No – not the killed part, but maybe a femur sticking out of the leg or something, anything that requires pins and several months of recovery & rehab, then we can all look back on it and have a good chuckle.

Who was the genius who decided to put the posts of the awning on the outside of the curve instead of the inside? Basic physics dictate that any wipeout on a curve will send the wipee flailing helplessly to the outside – it’s called “inertia”, “An object in motion will stay in motion until acted on by another opposing force.”  (like an ill-placed post). It doesn’t take an advanced college degree; every child who watched Wile E. Coyote chase the Roadrunner knows this.

Back in the day, you had to spend years and a small fortune attending a university to learn science; but thanks to Warner Brothers, every kid with a tv can learn Basic Newtonian physics, the laws of motion and gravity, the conservation of angular momentum, and the related disciplines of powered & unpowered flight, the dynamics of explosions, ballistics, the mysteries of quantum mechanics that allow a train to come through a false tunnel painted on the side of a mountain, as well as self-administered first aid.  Yes, I graduated from the University of Saturday Morning, magna cum laude!

I think the people who design these courses should be the first ones down the hill, to test it out like a human guinea pig.  Strap him in and give him a good shove.  If he doesn’t survive turn #4, then the next guy in charge can make the necessary changes and be the next guinea pig to see if he can make it even further down the icy mountain of doom.  It should be televised; I would watch it.

In fact, why not make these courses even more dangerous? Not for Olympic athletes, but for convicts on death row or serving life sentences.  We can add a few more challenging elements, like spanning piano wire across the track at about neck-level.  If Manson manages to see the nearly invisible wire in time to duck, he’s not out of the woods yet, there could be woods! right there on the track….trees & shrubs; if he makes it through that he then faces landmines near the bottom or perhaps run part of the course over water so there’s a random chance he’ll plunge through the ice.  We can change it from one week to the next; never the same track or hazards twice.  Al Gore can be the first one down.  Oh how the ratings would soar!


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