“Open Your Lunchbox For Gabriella, Tubby!”

Has anyone seen this new Childfund commercial?  Childfund is the new name of what’s been known for years as Christian Children’s Fund, and has long produced commercials featuring pitiful looking kids designed to shame us selfish pigs into donating.

The kids are made to look so much more pitiful than they actually are. The producers smear dirt across their fat little cheeks so you & I will think that dirt is all these kids have to subsist on; so poor that they don’t even have sleeves to wipe the dirt on.  They place these kids barefoot in the middle of a landfill and we’re supposed to think this is how they live all the time. “Won’t you help little Gabriella? Look at her, we went through all this trouble to make her look pitiful. Don’t be such a Scrooge. Ignore the fact that your share of the 14 trillion dollar national debt is $45, 300, write us a check today, you selfish bastards!” (not in those exact words, but that’s exactly what they mean.) Then Gabriella contorts her face to look like she’s choking back tears – I give credit to her for being good at following instructions.

Meanwhile, the longtime spokesman, Alan Sader, seems to get heftier with each new commercial.  Alan looks like he’s not afraid of a pork chop.  Here’s an idea, Alan: give half of your lunch to Gabriella – she’ll have enough for her and all the other kids in the landfill, and you can shop for pants someplace other than a Big & Tall store.  Then you can shave off that scruffy beard since you’ll no longer be ashamed of your double-chin.

Why did they change the name, anyhow? Why drop “Christian” from the name? Afraid of offending the people we’re helping? Would people rather starve than accept help from Christians? I say if anyone takes offense to a charity because of the word “Christian” then maybe we should be spending that money on people who are more grateful.  It’s just as well they changed the name. This organization was Christian in name only, having a policy of deliberately refraining from sharing the Gospel with any child. 

Among the countries Childfund operates in are Viet Nam, Bolivia, Mexico, and Indonesia.  Why Viet Nam? They fought so hard for their communist utopian society; guess that’s not working out so hot.  Why Bolivia? The president there hates America and wants to see us punished because our economic success is destroying the planet, according to him, but I guess he doesn’t mind us sharing our prosperity with his backwards-ass country because socialists don’t know how to create their own prosperity.  Why is Childfund in Mexico? We have such a porous border that Mexican kids who aren’t here already eventually will be.  And Indonesia has the largest muslim population in the world and is among the fastest growing source of new Al-Qaeda recruits.  Why in the name of Lawrence of Arabia’s dusty underwear would we want to give money to kids who attend madrassas where they learn to hate all things and all people not muslim, only to grow up to bomb a plane or public building, and I’m supposed to subsidise this with money I don’t have? “Won’t you help poor Muhammad?” Sorry, little Muhammad, let Allah provide, or better still, starve while I enjoy this ham sandwich, you little rock-throwing jihadist punk.

Have a nice day!


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