Gorilla Cookies, and The Proper Use Of A Gavel

Who else besides me skipped the State of the Union address last night? I had Sanford & Son re-runs on instead.  Barack Hussein Obama and his ignorant, arrogant, know-nothing-about-the-real-world-but-I-think-I’m-smarter-than-you smugness was reason enough to skip it, but the fact is it doesn’t matter who the president is, SotU addresses are a sham for the most part.  I’m not against them in theory, just in how they are in practice, and I’ve long ago grown sick of watching them. 

George Washington delivered the first annual message to Congress on January 8th, 1790 in accordance with Article II, Sec. 3, of the U.S. Constitution requires that, “The President shall from time to time give to Congress information of the State of the Union and recommend to their Consideration such measures as he shall judge necessary and expedient.” 

Nevermind that over time this has devolved into nothing more than a public-relations exercise, an opportunity for  presidents to boost their poll numbers; the irony here is that Congress has no real need for this president to inform them of the state of the Union, as it was Congress who helped him put us in the state we’re now in; and any members of Congress who survived November’s purge at the hands of angry voters now finds themselves seated among a new majority who are there as result.

I grew tired of the theatrics, listening to previous presidents describing the state of the Union by saying “….AND….IT….IS…..STRONG!” and everyone stands up and claps like wind-up toy monkeys and says “Yay! We’re strong! We’re glad you said ‘STRONG!’ otherwise we’d be worried that we were weak or something and would have no reason to stand up and clap like idiots, so…YAY!  Your words reassure us and inspire us to stand and clap! You are the wind beneath our wings! We want to have your baby!” I wonder if anyone keeps tabs on how many standing ovations there are during the course of these speeches.  I bet we could cut the time down by 50% if someone told Congress to sit down, shut up, and just chill the hell out until after the President is finished.

And how about the unwillingness to acknowledge reality? The magnification of the positives, and the glossing over of the negatives.  Just once I’d like to hear the President say “The state of the Union is in total disarray. Government is bigger with more people dependent on it than ever; more money is being wasted than ever; people are fatter & stupider than ever, more elected officials are behaving irrationally or out of self-interest than ever; and a woman fell in a fountain while walking & texting.  Now regardless of your party affiliation, if you voted against this 2,000 page health care bill and against bailing out failing businesses with taxpayer’s money, reach over to those who voted in favor and punch them in the ear as hard as you can! If they won’t listen to our voices then they can listen to being punched – DO IT NOW! – I’ll wait.”  (pause for punching, and Boehner hammering Pelosi in her throat with her old gavel) “Did you hear that? Sounds painful, doesn’t it? It’s the sound of Americans taking back their country; it’s the sound of FREEDOM!”  Then they can all stand up and clap (except Pelosi – she’ll be holding her throat while gasping for air with a bug-eyed look on her face, with Boehner standing next to her, looking at her and smiling as he claps enthusiastically, tears of joy streaming down over his quivering lips) 

Pelosi Repellant

That’s how I envision it.  I think this will renew interest in politics, resulting in a huge spike in the number of viewers for the next SotU address.  It will then be so popular that it can go to Pay-Per-View and generate revenue for the government.  The solutions are there, people; as long as we’re willing to take a gavel to the throats of a few socialists. Otherwise our only options will be watching Fred Sanford tell Aunt Esther “I’m calling YOU ugly. I could stick your face in some dough and make some gorilla cookies.”  And really, if I have to choose between that or boring theatrics, it’s a no-brainer!


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