Charlie’s Shadow

Punksitauny Phil, or is it Puncksitawnie? Punc…Pukset…Pucsipuwy….Puc….Aw, hell – that overgrown rodent didn’t see his shadow today, so that apparently means an early Spring this year.

If the shadow of a groundhog can predict when Spring comes, maybe we can use shadows to predict other things:

  • Anderson Cooper saw his shadow mingled with the shadows of angry Egyptians – that means six more punches to his head.
  • Mark Zuckerberg’s shadow means only six more weeks until he starts making more aggravating & unnecessary changes to Facebook.
  • Barack Hussein Obama’s shadow means two more years of dodging the birth certificate issue.
  • Ted Kennedy’s tombstone cast a shadow today – that means six more weeks of being dead.
  • Fountain Lady didn’t notice her shadow – she’s too busy texting.
  • Charlie Sheen saw his shadow today – that means six more weeks of rehab.

I know, Charlie in rehab – what a shocker, right? Who would’ve thunk it? He’s spent over half a million dollars in recent months on drugs & prostitutes.  Why don’t the producers of “Two and a Half Men” kick this loser to the curb and get someone who’s grown up enough to show up on the set when he’s supposed to?  The actor who plays Jake turns 18 this year, making the “half” part of the show’s title obsolete; they need to just start calling it “Three Men”.

I hate to see Charlie self-destruct like this, but I hate it not because he’s a celebrity, but because he’s a human being.  Why do some people go ape$hit and act like they’re on the verge of peeing in their pants whenever they see a celebrity? They’re just people, for Pete’s sake, get ahold of yourselves and calm the hell down! Why are entertainer’s opinions held in such high esteem? What makes people think that entertainers are educated enough and have enough real-world experience to tell the ignorant masses (us) what to think. Have you seen some of these people when they’re guests on Wheel of Fortune or Jeopardy on Celebrity Night? They’re morons! Many might be surprised to learn just how many celebrities failed to finish college, and even high school. These people can’t even keep themselves from being arrested for drugs, DWI, etc., and can’t seem to spend more than six months out of rehab – but they presume to tell us how to vote, how to raise our children, how to save the planet, whether or not to go to war, not to eat meat, and call us bigots if we hold anything but a positive view of homosexuality.  Sorry, but these idiots don’t get to lecture me or anyone else.

Along with “Three Men”, I wonder what other titles we could come up with?

  • “Charlie’s In-Between-Rahab Adventures”
  • “Two Men, and Charlie – The Half-Man”
  • “Two Men, And That Loser Who Lost Denise Richards”
  • “Charlie’s Coke-Money Gig”
  • “Two Sensible Men, And That One Kook Who Thinks 9/11 Was Caused By Our Own Government”
  • “Major League Douchbag”

Any other suggestions?

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