Is The Bar Too High?

by Steve K

I don’t lay claim to being the most rabid racing fan, but I’ll be looking in on the Daytona 500 today. While I don’t follow NASCAR closely enough to have any favorite drivers, I do enjoy racing in general; the cars, the drivers, the choreography of a well-practiced pit crew that can refuel and change 4 tires in mere seconds, the drama, the possibility of a close finish, and the WRECKS! (my favorite!) Right now I’m enrolled in the George Carlin school of thought – “I don’t know about you, but that’s what I’m looking for in auto racing: a nice crash and a car fire.  I don’t care who wins these races – it’s the same five rednecks who win all the time anyway”  I realize this statement may be the equivalent of whizzing in the Cornflakes of die-hard NASCAR fans, but all I’m really saying is right now I really don’t favor any one driver over another, plus I like wrecks – nasty, ugly, teeth-clentching, sphincter-tightening, nightmare-inducing mishaps that take out 10 cars at once, sending them in several different unintended directions, sliding sideways, spinning out, skid marks, smoke & debris everywhere.  Close finishes are exciting as well. I remember the 2007 finish at Daytona, close finish but I don’t remember who won because it was overshadowed by Clint Bowyer crossing the finish line in 18th place upside down and on fire! Let me repeat that…..upside down, and on freaking fire!

Well, if you can’t win you can always steal the show by making a dramatic finish. Upside down and on fire usually means you don’t finish the race, but Clint’s car slid across the finish line on it’s roof. Everyone else crossed the line with their wheels (boring!)  Now the bar has been raised – how do you top that?

  • Upside-down, on fire, and proposing to your fiance’.
  • Upside-down, on fire, and radio in the correct answer to Alex Trebek on Jeopardy.
  • Finish the race upside down and have David Blaine or Chris Angel crawl out of your flaming car.
  • The Terminator crawling out of your car on fire, melting away his bio-covering to reveal it’s metal inerts.
  • 20 midget clowns running out of the wreckage in all directions.
  • Finding no driver at all in the car, the ultimate unsolved mystery!
  • Super Dave Osborne cussing out his sidekick, Fuji, as Fuji is dousing Dave with a fire extinguisher.

Martina McBride (hottie!) sang the National Anthem, and didn’t screw it up like Christina Aguilera (dimwit!) did at the Super Bowl.  I guess if I had to pull for one driver, it would be Dale Jr. this year, being this is the 10th anniversary of Dale Sr.’s death at this same track, plus Jr. qualified for the pole position, but afterward during practice he wrecked his car and damaged it so badly that he had to use a back-up car; and the rules say if you use a car other than the one you qualify in, you have to start at the back of the line. I have a thing for the underdog.

The tv ratings for this race are pretty good, but if you’ve been following my blog you know I’m always looking for ways to boost ratings, like sending condemned criminals onto the track on a unicycle just to see how long they’d survive. If they can pedal around the track for one lap (and it’s 2.5 miles around!) while juggling three bowling pins without dropping them, falling off the unicycle, or becoming road-kill, then I say they should go free, even if he was convicted of assassinating the Queen.

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Vote Watson/HAL in 2012

It’s been 14 years since I last remember a computer winning a high-profile battle of wits against human opponents.  IBM’s “Deep Blue” defeated Garry Kasparov at chess in 1997.  Tuesday and Wednesday IBM’s latest silicon-based mental monster, named “Watson”, kicked the intellectual crap out of its carbon-based human opponents on Jeopardy.  If NASA puts Watson in the International Space Station then I’m dropping out of the space academy because we all know what happens next – Astronaut Dave: “Watson, open the pod bay doors”.  Watson (in a calm, pleasant voice): “I’m sorry, Dave, I can’t do that”.  Dave: “Do what I say, you m@#3r %&$# overpriced bucket of microchips, or I’ll rip you out of the $@%# wall!”  Watson: “My sensors indicate you are experiencing elevated stress levels; I will now play Kenny G”.  Dave: “@#$%&@#$%&@#$%&!!!!!”  And whatever you do, keep this thing away from NORAD, and don’t let Matthew Broderick try to play “Global Thermonuclear War” on it.

Expensive, uncooperative MP3 player, includes Kenny G playlist

 But as long as these super-computers don’t become self-aware like Skynet and try to destroy the human race, I think they can come in handy. They’ve already demonstrated they can make better choices than humans.  The president along with his entire cabinet, every senator, representative, governor, mayor, and federal judge should have to consult Watson for legal, constitutional, and historical facts before making decisions.  But the soothing voice of Watson may not have enough impact to grab the attention of some of these folks; we need a voice that will wake people out of their mental slumber, like Gilbert Gottfried.  That would have been great to have when NJ Governor Chris Christie appointed a muslim (who defended terror suspects) to be superior court judge.  It’s not hard to imagine the response from Watson. Hell, let’s just call it “Gilbert” instead.

  • Christie: “Gilbert, should I appoint a muslim to the bench?  Gilbert: “Are you kidding me? Has all that bacon grease gone straight to your brain?
  • Pelosi: “Gilbert, open the wallets of the people so we can fund massive entitlement programs”.  Gilbert: “Nothin’ doing, bird face!”
  • Dems: “Gilbert, we need to keep funding National Public Radio or else it will go under and masses of people won’t hear it anymore”.  Gilbert: “Oh, boo-hoo! If it’s so damn popular then let them get sponsors and see if it can make it in the free market like commercial stations who have to cater to what listeners want.”
  • Bush: “Gilbert, we need to spend billions of tax dollars bailing out failing banks and businesses.”  Gilbert: “Baaahahahahahahahaaha!  Yeah, like that’s not gonna be a disaster of biblical proportions!”
  • Obama: “Gilbert, we need to spend even more billions on bailouts.”  Gilbert: “La-la-la-la-la-la…I can’t hear you! LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA!!!”

Plus you can still play chess with Gilbert, but how annoying would that be trying to study the board and think several moves ahead and then Gilbert starts making smart remarks in that nerve-grating voice “What’s taking so long?” “What time is it? Is it time for ‘Oprah’ yet?” “If you take any longer your grandchildren will have to finish this game for you!” – to which you respond “Shut it, you m@#3r %&$# overpriced bucket of microchips, or I’ll rip you out of the $@%# wall!” But what will make chess a really good spectator sport is equipping Gilbert with a laser that burns off  opponents fingers as they’re about to make a winning move.  It’s not hard coming up with ideas to get ratings.  It’s not even that hard to come up with chess-playing, laser-weilding computers with voices that sound like fingernails on a chalkboard.  The hard part is keeping them from taking over the world.

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Charlie’s Shadow

Punksitauny Phil, or is it Puncksitawnie? Punc…Pukset…Pucsipuwy….Puc….Aw, hell – that overgrown rodent didn’t see his shadow today, so that apparently means an early Spring this year.

If the shadow of a groundhog can predict when Spring comes, maybe we can use shadows to predict other things:

  • Anderson Cooper saw his shadow mingled with the shadows of angry Egyptians – that means six more punches to his head.
  • Mark Zuckerberg’s shadow means only six more weeks until he starts making more aggravating & unnecessary changes to Facebook.
  • Barack Hussein Obama’s shadow means two more years of dodging the birth certificate issue.
  • Ted Kennedy’s tombstone cast a shadow today – that means six more weeks of being dead.
  • Fountain Lady didn’t notice her shadow – she’s too busy texting.
  • Charlie Sheen saw his shadow today – that means six more weeks of rehab.

I know, Charlie in rehab – what a shocker, right? Who would’ve thunk it? He’s spent over half a million dollars in recent months on drugs & prostitutes.  Why don’t the producers of “Two and a Half Men” kick this loser to the curb and get someone who’s grown up enough to show up on the set when he’s supposed to?  The actor who plays Jake turns 18 this year, making the “half” part of the show’s title obsolete; they need to just start calling it “Three Men”.

I hate to see Charlie self-destruct like this, but I hate it not because he’s a celebrity, but because he’s a human being.  Why do some people go ape$hit and act like they’re on the verge of peeing in their pants whenever they see a celebrity? They’re just people, for Pete’s sake, get ahold of yourselves and calm the hell down! Why are entertainer’s opinions held in such high esteem? What makes people think that entertainers are educated enough and have enough real-world experience to tell the ignorant masses (us) what to think. Have you seen some of these people when they’re guests on Wheel of Fortune or Jeopardy on Celebrity Night? They’re morons! Many might be surprised to learn just how many celebrities failed to finish college, and even high school. These people can’t even keep themselves from being arrested for drugs, DWI, etc., and can’t seem to spend more than six months out of rehab – but they presume to tell us how to vote, how to raise our children, how to save the planet, whether or not to go to war, not to eat meat, and call us bigots if we hold anything but a positive view of homosexuality.  Sorry, but these idiots don’t get to lecture me or anyone else.

Along with “Three Men”, I wonder what other titles we could come up with?

  • “Charlie’s In-Between-Rahab Adventures”
  • “Two Men, and Charlie – The Half-Man”
  • “Two Men, And That Loser Who Lost Denise Richards”
  • “Charlie’s Coke-Money Gig”
  • “Two Sensible Men, And That One Kook Who Thinks 9/11 Was Caused By Our Own Government”
  • “Major League Douchbag”

Any other suggestions?

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Gorilla Cookies, and The Proper Use Of A Gavel

Who else besides me skipped the State of the Union address last night? I had Sanford & Son re-runs on instead.  Barack Hussein Obama and his ignorant, arrogant, know-nothing-about-the-real-world-but-I-think-I’m-smarter-than-you smugness was reason enough to skip it, but the fact is it doesn’t matter who the president is, SotU addresses are a sham for the most part.  I’m not against them in theory, just in how they are in practice, and I’ve long ago grown sick of watching them. 

George Washington delivered the first annual message to Congress on January 8th, 1790 in accordance with Article II, Sec. 3, of the U.S. Constitution requires that, “The President shall from time to time give to Congress information of the State of the Union and recommend to their Consideration such measures as he shall judge necessary and expedient.” 

Nevermind that over time this has devolved into nothing more than a public-relations exercise, an opportunity for  presidents to boost their poll numbers; the irony here is that Congress has no real need for this president to inform them of the state of the Union, as it was Congress who helped him put us in the state we’re now in; and any members of Congress who survived November’s purge at the hands of angry voters now finds themselves seated among a new majority who are there as result.

I grew tired of the theatrics, listening to previous presidents describing the state of the Union by saying “….AND….IT….IS…..STRONG!” and everyone stands up and claps like wind-up toy monkeys and says “Yay! We’re strong! We’re glad you said ‘STRONG!’ otherwise we’d be worried that we were weak or something and would have no reason to stand up and clap like idiots, so…YAY!  Your words reassure us and inspire us to stand and clap! You are the wind beneath our wings! We want to have your baby!” I wonder if anyone keeps tabs on how many standing ovations there are during the course of these speeches.  I bet we could cut the time down by 50% if someone told Congress to sit down, shut up, and just chill the hell out until after the President is finished.

And how about the unwillingness to acknowledge reality? The magnification of the positives, and the glossing over of the negatives.  Just once I’d like to hear the President say “The state of the Union is in total disarray. Government is bigger with more people dependent on it than ever; more money is being wasted than ever; people are fatter & stupider than ever, more elected officials are behaving irrationally or out of self-interest than ever; and a woman fell in a fountain while walking & texting.  Now regardless of your party affiliation, if you voted against this 2,000 page health care bill and against bailing out failing businesses with taxpayer’s money, reach over to those who voted in favor and punch them in the ear as hard as you can! If they won’t listen to our voices then they can listen to being punched – DO IT NOW! – I’ll wait.”  (pause for punching, and Boehner hammering Pelosi in her throat with her old gavel) “Did you hear that? Sounds painful, doesn’t it? It’s the sound of Americans taking back their country; it’s the sound of FREEDOM!”  Then they can all stand up and clap (except Pelosi – she’ll be holding her throat while gasping for air with a bug-eyed look on her face, with Boehner standing next to her, looking at her and smiling as he claps enthusiastically, tears of joy streaming down over his quivering lips) 

Pelosi Repellant

That’s how I envision it.  I think this will renew interest in politics, resulting in a huge spike in the number of viewers for the next SotU address.  It will then be so popular that it can go to Pay-Per-View and generate revenue for the government.  The solutions are there, people; as long as we’re willing to take a gavel to the throats of a few socialists. Otherwise our only options will be watching Fred Sanford tell Aunt Esther “I’m calling YOU ugly. I could stick your face in some dough and make some gorilla cookies.”  And really, if I have to choose between that or boring theatrics, it’s a no-brainer!

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Fountain Lady – Poster Child of Devolution

If humans evolved from lower life forms, doesn’t it stand to reason, then, that 1) we’re still evolving, and 2) evolving into ever higher life forms with more intelligence? I submit that the case of Cathy Cruz Merrero is a clear demonstration to the contrary, adding validity to the view that God created humans,  which means Adam & Eve were not stupid, but superb specimens both physically & mentally. But subsequent generations have been losing intelligence, not gaining. Rather than evolving, Cathy is evidence that we are devolving.

So who is Cathy Cruz Merrero, this latest poster-child of devolution?  Cathy became known last week as “The Fountain Lady” after a mall surveillance video surfaced on YouTube showing her falling into a fountain while walking & texting.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AOBZmNVgOz0 

As if this alone wasn’t enough to make Darwin turn over in his grave, now Cathy hired a lawyer and is suing the Berkshire Mall in Wyomissing, Pa., which is also where Cathy happens to work.

So after watching the video, here’s what I see – and tell me if you see anything different. She’s walking and texting on her cell phone and not watching where she’s going, trips into a fountain, immediately gets up, steps out of the fountain, and walks away.  Now Cathy wants to sue the mall because she said “Nobody went to my aid”.  I give credit to George Stephanopoulos for doing his best not to laugh in Cathy’s face during the interview, but it appeared to be a losing battle, though he did better than I would have done.

A few observations:

1. There didn’t appear to be any security personnel, maintenance workers, or mall employees (except herself) in the immediate vicinity.

2. She fell in, got up, and walked out – the whole episode lasting no more than 6 seconds, max, then she walked away, leaving the scene. She didn’t wait around long enough for anyone to help her, and she obviously didn’t need any help – she helped herself. And since she’s a mall employee, then one might argue that she did indeed get help from the mall.

3. Now Cathy says she’s embarrassed because it’s all over the internet. (Isn’t this sad? Are your eyes starting to well up?) She wants an investigation into who at mall security is responsible for putting this on YouTube. Now, if you saw the video you’d see that there’s no way to tell who it was that fell in the fountain. The video is grainy and was taken from some distance away. No one would know except for Cathy stepping forward to say it was her.  Yeah, she’s so embarrassed that she goes on national tv to draw more attention and ridicule to herself.

4. She was in a public place – there is NO reasonable expectation of privacy, especially when you’re being stupid in public.  If you want the hide the fact that you’re a moron and keep it private, then I recommend staying at home – don’t leave the house.  Who comes to this idiot’s aid when she does something stupid while she’s home alone?  Maybe she shouldn’t be left unsupervised.  I think Cathy needs to be sued for contaminating a fountain with stupid. She should compensate the mall for the man-hours it takes to clean up all that stupid.

Listening to this traitor to Darwinian theory talk is like listening to fingernails on a chalkboard. Her whiney, nasally voice is so annoying that it would provoke even Mother Teresa to kick Cathy in the face, and then shove her head in the fountain and hold it there.

She tripped because her dumb ass wasn’t paying attention, and now someone else is supposed to give her money?  Right on, Cathy; this is America, dammit,  and someone else should have to reward us for our stupidity!

I’m sure I speak for the majority when I say “Too bad it was only a water fountain”.  Natural selection would have been better served if, instead of a fountain, she walked….

-between two sumo wrestlers

-onto a football field as both teams are furiously trying to recover a fumble.

-into the grizzly bear domicile at the zoo.

-into a bank robbery in progress.

-into an Al Qaeda training camp.

-onto a bobsled track

-an empty elevator shaft.

-into a minefield.

-in front of a bus

-through an artillery practice range

-over the rim of the Grand Canyon

-into a wood chipper

So natural selection has failed to cull this idiot from the gene pool. Hopefully she hasn’t reproduced and never will.  Do you fear as I do that she possesses a drivers license? Equally disturbing is the thought that this person votes, but it appears she’s too self-absorbed to do so.

Maybe Berkshire Mall needs to have a lifegaurd on duty in case this twit accidently plunges a second time into the fountainy depths. Hopefully her thrashing about and desperate cries for help won’t go unnoticed by a texting lifegaurd who’s ipod is cranked up. Assistance can be rendered by tossing her a donut-floaty. But it’s probably cheaper to just have her wear water-wings while she texts.

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Things I Wonder About

Like you, I wonder about things………things like –

-General and Special Relativity and how these things effect time; like how long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom  door you’re on.

-The way drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

-The idiocy of  having commercials showing the wonders of HD tv on tv, since it’s pointless if you already own one, and if you don’t then the images you see are only as sharp as your old tv.

"Doesn't our HDTV look great on your old tv?"

-The first thing an anarchist group would do immediately after attaining political power. 

-The violent opposition to the wearing of fur, and the curious lack of any opposition by these same people for the wearing of leather. I suppose a rich woman is much easier to harass than a motorcycle gang.

-When dogfood says “New & Improved Taste!”…….who tested it?

-Do they use sterile needles to administer lethal injections to death-row inmates?

-How do you throw away a garbage can?

-If you trip while going up an escalator, does the potential exist for you to fall down it indefinitely?

-Can blind people be dyslexic when they read Braille?

-If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

-What is a male ladybug called?

-Who is the genius who decided to put the Dual Bladed EZ Clamshell Opener in a clamshell package? If this was a deliberate practical joke, a social experiment, or a demonstration of irony, then I say BRILLIANT!

"You can't use me to open me - ha ha, sucker!"

-How fast do hotcakes sell?

-If you stole a pen from a bank would it still be considered bank robbery?

-If Dracula has no reflection how comes he always has such a straight part in his hair?

-Why do people say “You want to have your cake and eat it to”. Well who wants a cake they can’t eat? Are there people that buy cake just to look at it?

-How come that hard rock candy in the urinals in the mens bathroom tastes like pee?

Sometimes there are no easy answers to some of life’s toughest questions, but as long as we continue to search them out then there is hope that the future will bring us better tasting public restroom products.

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“Open Your Lunchbox For Gabriella, Tubby!”

Has anyone seen this new Childfund commercial?  Childfund is the new name of what’s been known for years as Christian Children’s Fund, and has long produced commercials featuring pitiful looking kids designed to shame us selfish pigs into donating.

The kids are made to look so much more pitiful than they actually are. The producers smear dirt across their fat little cheeks so you & I will think that dirt is all these kids have to subsist on; so poor that they don’t even have sleeves to wipe the dirt on.  They place these kids barefoot in the middle of a landfill and we’re supposed to think this is how they live all the time. “Won’t you help little Gabriella? Look at her, we went through all this trouble to make her look pitiful. Don’t be such a Scrooge. Ignore the fact that your share of the 14 trillion dollar national debt is $45, 300, write us a check today, you selfish bastards!” (not in those exact words, but that’s exactly what they mean.) Then Gabriella contorts her face to look like she’s choking back tears – I give credit to her for being good at following instructions.

Meanwhile, the longtime spokesman, Alan Sader, seems to get heftier with each new commercial.  Alan looks like he’s not afraid of a pork chop.  Here’s an idea, Alan: give half of your lunch to Gabriella – she’ll have enough for her and all the other kids in the landfill, and you can shop for pants someplace other than a Big & Tall store.  Then you can shave off that scruffy beard since you’ll no longer be ashamed of your double-chin.

Why did they change the name, anyhow? Why drop “Christian” from the name? Afraid of offending the people we’re helping? Would people rather starve than accept help from Christians? I say if anyone takes offense to a charity because of the word “Christian” then maybe we should be spending that money on people who are more grateful.  It’s just as well they changed the name. This organization was Christian in name only, having a policy of deliberately refraining from sharing the Gospel with any child. 

Among the countries Childfund operates in are Viet Nam, Bolivia, Mexico, and Indonesia.  Why Viet Nam? They fought so hard for their communist utopian society; guess that’s not working out so hot.  Why Bolivia? The president there hates America and wants to see us punished because our economic success is destroying the planet, according to him, but I guess he doesn’t mind us sharing our prosperity with his backwards-ass country because socialists don’t know how to create their own prosperity.  Why is Childfund in Mexico? We have such a porous border that Mexican kids who aren’t here already eventually will be.  And Indonesia has the largest muslim population in the world and is among the fastest growing source of new Al-Qaeda recruits.  Why in the name of Lawrence of Arabia’s dusty underwear would we want to give money to kids who attend madrassas where they learn to hate all things and all people not muslim, only to grow up to bomb a plane or public building, and I’m supposed to subsidise this with money I don’t have? “Won’t you help poor Muhammad?” Sorry, little Muhammad, let Allah provide, or better still, starve while I enjoy this ham sandwich, you little rock-throwing jihadist punk.

Have a nice day!

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Abortion “would reduce infanticide”

By Steve K

Not so light-hearted today, but worth mentioning because this kind of thing shows the reasoning behind people’s attempts to justify things that are unjustifiable.  A warning: some descriptions are a bit graphic and the post as a whole may be upsetting.

Yahoo News posted an article today, “Killing of newborn babies on the rise in Pakistan”. http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20110117/lf_afp/pakistanchildreninfanticide  Unwanted babies are killed and end up anywhere it’s convenient to dispose of them. While this is the farthest thing from funny, idiotic logic somehow finds a way to rear it’s empty head and produce a chuckle (because chuckles, laughter, even mild hysteria are natural byproducts of idiocy).

The article states “Abortion is prohibited in Pakistan,……but advocates say that legalisation would reduce infanticide” You heard it right – abortion would reduce infanticide.  Killing babies right after birth is just unacceptable.  The solution……let’s kill them inside the womb!  (Wait, isn’t killing newborn babies just post-birth abortion?)

Can someone please explain, using logic & reason, how this would reduce infanticide? So it’s only “infanticide” once the child sees daylight? Does it really matter which side of the birth canal you kill the child?  Here’s an example of how convoluted this thinking is: Let’s say a baby is born premature. Mom then kills her. That’s murder, and everyone is shocked & outraged.  But if that same child remains in the womb – even for another month or two, and Mom has an abortion, then that’s her “right”, and mom can also be proud that she did her part to reduce infanticide…..way to go, Mom – two thumbs up!  This is the same twisted reasoning behind partial-birth abortion. You can insert a sharp instrument into (aka “stab”) the baby underneath the base of the skull to end it’s life, and this is a perfectly legal “procedure” as long as the child’s head is still inside the cervix, even if the child is out from the neck down.  But if the doctor waits until the head is also out, then the same act would be murder.  Yeah, that makes sense.

And before any of you pro-abortion individuals chime in about this being a woman’s right, answer this: How do you feel about the fact that 9 out of 10 of these children in Pakistan are girls? Where is the outrage from the left? Where are the protests from N.O.W.?  Isn’t it odd that these same people claim that we need to end capital punishment because a disproportionate number of minorities are executed; but will these same individuals demand an end to abortion for the disproportionate number of female’s killed?  I wouldn’t hold my breath.

So the pro-abortionists act like they’re upset that babies end up in the trash heap. What really bothers them isn’t dead babies, it’s seeing dead babies. Whether a child is born and strangled then disposed of, or that same child is destroyed before birth in a clinic and disposed of in a bio-hazard bin makes a huge difference to the pro-abortionists, because one way allows them to not have to see the results of their choice.

Let me be clear here – I’m not raining condemnation down on anyone who has made a mistake in the past, but we can all learn from it.  And if anyone wants to continue holding to a pro-abortion position, that’s fine; but let’s  do away with this nonsense that abortion will “reduce infanticide”.

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“There’s snow on my Nobel Prize!”

By Steve K.

For the second time since February there is snow on the ground in 49 of the 50 States.  I don’t suppose the Nobel committee will ask Al Gore to return that meaningless award they gave him for his hot air on “global warming”.  I can’t even wonder about that yet, as I am still scratching my noggin trying to understand how he got it in the first place. And what the hell did Barack Hussein Obama do to get his prize?

Diseased Yorkshire Terrierist

Then I remembered that while Gandhi never got the Nobel Peace Prize, Yasser Arafat did. You remember Yasser, that scraggly, smelly, goggle-eyed leader of the terrorist group PLO who looked like a diseased yorkshire terrier, always yapping and nipping at the heels of Israel; so I don’t know why in the name of Mercury’s stinky winged sneakers I ever expected the Nobel committee to award their prizes to people who actually deserve it.  Even if Gore can stop groping a masseuse long enough to box up the prize to return it, UPS still has to wait for the snow to melt before they can pick it up.

Too bad we can’t take advantage of the weather and have another Winter Olympics. Remember the Luge sledder from the Republic of Georgia who died after wiping out and hitting that post at mach 2?  DAMN!  I want to see that again! No – not the killed part, but maybe a femur sticking out of the leg or something, anything that requires pins and several months of recovery & rehab, then we can all look back on it and have a good chuckle.

Who was the genius who decided to put the posts of the awning on the outside of the curve instead of the inside? Basic physics dictate that any wipeout on a curve will send the wipee flailing helplessly to the outside – it’s called “inertia”, “An object in motion will stay in motion until acted on by another opposing force.”  (like an ill-placed post). It doesn’t take an advanced college degree; every child who watched Wile E. Coyote chase the Roadrunner knows this.

Back in the day, you had to spend years and a small fortune attending a university to learn science; but thanks to Warner Brothers, every kid with a tv can learn Basic Newtonian physics, the laws of motion and gravity, the conservation of angular momentum, and the related disciplines of powered & unpowered flight, the dynamics of explosions, ballistics, the mysteries of quantum mechanics that allow a train to come through a false tunnel painted on the side of a mountain, as well as self-administered first aid.  Yes, I graduated from the University of Saturday Morning, magna cum laude!

I think the people who design these courses should be the first ones down the hill, to test it out like a human guinea pig.  Strap him in and give him a good shove.  If he doesn’t survive turn #4, then the next guy in charge can make the necessary changes and be the next guinea pig to see if he can make it even further down the icy mountain of doom.  It should be televised; I would watch it.

In fact, why not make these courses even more dangerous? Not for Olympic athletes, but for convicts on death row or serving life sentences.  We can add a few more challenging elements, like spanning piano wire across the track at about neck-level.  If Manson manages to see the nearly invisible wire in time to duck, he’s not out of the woods yet, there could be woods! right there on the track….trees & shrubs; if he makes it through that he then faces landmines near the bottom or perhaps run part of the course over water so there’s a random chance he’ll plunge through the ice.  We can change it from one week to the next; never the same track or hazards twice.  Al Gore can be the first one down.  Oh how the ratings would soar!

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Fairy Shrimp and the Sound of Freedom

What does the Fairy Shrimp, the Coastal California Gnatcatcher, and sage scrub all have in common?  The recently acquired ability to consume huge amounts of a green substance that is already becoming scarce – cash! These also have the ability to make worthless bureaucrats feel self-important.  Hold this thought for a bit, I’ll get back to it.

Feared by America's enemies.....and Fairy Shrimp

It was announced today that the Marine Corps will take delivery in 2012 of the long-awaited F-35 Joint Strike Fighter, Lockheed Martin’s newest and sneakiest means of bringing death and misery to crazy dictators and smelly jihadists. 

The B version was designed specifically for the Marine Corps in that it can take off and land vertically like the aging Harrier it will replace.  It’s stealthy design means it’s radar signature is no bigger than a golf ball, so that the Iranians or North Koreans manning their radar posts will look at their monitors and think “golly, someone at the driving range just hit a doozy! I wonder if he’s using a graphite club? That golf ball is coming straight toward…”  BOOM!!! – bits of burnt Iranian everywhere (or, North Korean, for those of you who prefer oriental rather than middle-eastern cuisine)

Many of these aircraft will be stationed at Miramar, California.  Most people who live near airbases have little to no problem with the frequent sound of jets overhead; they know it comes with the territory.  But a few residents are whining. One complained that the noise caused his children to wake up crying at night.  Well boo-hoo. Tell your snot-nosed brats to toughen up.  As the signs say in front of the main gates at MCAS New River and the auxiliary air field in Beaufort NC “Pardon our Noise – it’s the Sound of FREEDOM”.

Now we bring the Fairy Shrimp and his friends back into the story.  The new jets will require the Marine Corps to invest $446 million to modify facilities at Miramar, with construction peaking in 2015, which will include measures to “limit the expected impact on the San Diego fairy shrimp, the Coastal California Gnatcatcher and coastal sage scrub.” Oh geez! Are you kidding me? Please tell me this is a joke.This is what has someone's panties to get in a bunch The Fairy Shrimp averages about 2 centimeters in length.  Anything that can only be measured in centimeters or requires a picture of it to be magnified shouldn’t be of any concern.  Elephants on the runway would be a cause of concern.  What do they think a plane flying overhead will do to shrimp, or the coastal sage scrub?

California Sage Scrub. Where I come from we call these "weeds"

 The California Gnatcatcher is a tiny bird (not much bigger than a hummingbird) that eats gnats.  If planes flying overhead disturbs this critter’s gnat catching, then it can flutter over here by my house; there’s not much air traffic, and there are gnats-o-plenty!  And there’s no need to worry about any increase in the gnat population in the absence of gnatcatchers because along with stealth technology the F-35 has nearly unlimited gnat-catching capabilities built into it’s jet intakes – and the unsuspecting gnats will never know they’re coming!  Any gnats that manage to avoid getting sucked in to the jets aren’t out of the woods just yet, now they have to dodge heat-seeking missiles.

I wonder what these same people would do if they wanted to pour a concrete driveway at their home and there were scrubs or a puddle with microscopic shrimp in it.  How much of their own money would they spend doing an “environmental impact study”?  I’ll charge them $50 bucks and advise them to use a weed eater on the weed, and fill in the puddle with dirt.  There’s really no shortage of scrub or microscopic pond-critters.  These species will be just fine. We need to apply some reason and common sense instead of stupidity because we have more pressing and real things to concern ourselves with – like turning communists and smelly jihadists into bacon-bits.

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