By Steve K
So we got “Machete” from Netflix. The previews looked decent because it showed copious amounts of senseless violence, which I’m a huge fan of. Even the name “Machete” pretty well says that someone in the movie will feel the cold steel of a huge blade separating their head from their neck. How can you have a movie by that title and not have a decapitation or twelve? It’s implied. Plus Danny Trejo was hilarious in “Bubble Boy”, so I thought it would be somewhat entertaining to watch. What I got instead was two hours of leftist propaganda and an attempt to stir up racial strife.
Why did I sit through the whole movie? Morbid curiosity, like the kind that makes you take a second look when you drive past a car wreck. The movie starts out with our “hero”, a former Mexican Federali, hiding out in Texas after a drug lord murdered his family. Desperate for money, he agrees to assassinate a campaigning anti-illegal immigration politician (Robert De Niro, in what has to be his worst performance ever). But Machete is set up as a scapegoat, used as a pawn by his recruiter and is now on the run from the law for attempted assassination. As planned, De Niro’s poll numbers skyrocket after the botched attempt. So the rest of the movie is Machete using machetes and what not, killing a bunch of people and getting the universal support of the Hispanic population.
The movie portrays those Americans who want an orderly border as crazed racists, actually showing De Niro shooting and killing a helpless pregnant woman trying to cross the border. Don Johnson crawls out from under his rock to be in this film, portraying a leader of a Minuteman-type organization who supports De Niro’s candidacy. The whole premise is that corrupt, evil, racist white men are oppressing and victimizing the peace-loving, law-abiding, hard-working, patriotic, responsible illegal immigrants, who have clandestinely organized themselves and rally around a yet-to-be revealed leader known only as “She”, with her posters and graffiti visible here and there (sure, it’s just a crazy unintended coincidence if this reminds you in any way of Che’)
“She” by day is a mild-mannered owner/operator of a roach-coach, a meals-on-wheels vendor, but by night she’s She’, the Marxist revolutionary (excuse me, “revolucion”-ary), even hoarding a huge stockpile of military weapons, not just small-arms, but heavy crew-served weapons, rockets, mortars, and the like; something that every peace-loving, law-abiding illegal alien should have squirreled away, you know, just in case the authorities try to do some crazy thing like enforce the law.
The silliest part of the whole thing was watching Jessica Alba stand on the hood of a car before a crowd of Hispanics, pump her fist into the air and shout “We didn’t cross the border, the border crossed us!”, to which the crowd enthusiastically agrees. (Funny how the previews didn’t show this kind of nonsense.) Excuse me while I regurgitate my popcorn. C’mon, Netflix, if airlines can provide barf-bags to their customers, then you can include one when you mail DVD’s that make folks want to spew their snack. Otherwise, when we microwave popcorn, we can put it in a serving bowl and save the empty bag so it’s available to hurl into should the movie turn our stomachs. This movie should come with a warning, but the motion picture rating system is inadequate and doesn’t provide a symbol for this. Currently we have:
- G………….General Audiences – All ages admitted
- PG……….Parental Guidance Suggested
- PG-13…..Parents Strongly Cautioned – material inappropriate for children under 13
- R………….Restricted – Under 17 requires accompanying adult
- NC-17…..No one 17 or Under Admitted
We need to add more,
- BAA……..Blatently anti-American
- CCCP……Contains Soviet-Era propaganda and Liberal ideology
- BADS……Bad acting, directing, and script
- RW!………Attempts to provoke race-war
- WOF…….Waste of film
- WSE…….Watch something else
- BBR……..Barf-bag required
- K9X……..Wouldn’t make my dog sit through this
- OOPS!….Scratch DVD thoroughly before returning
- TURD……..Drag through cat’s litter box before returning
Everyone, regardless of nationality, is subject to the legal requirements of entry into the U.S. Why do some people think that these requirements should be suspended at our southern border? Why should one particular people-group be exempt from following the law in which everyone else is required to follow? Let the makers of this film try to enter some other country illegally. I’d like to see a movie about that – accompanied by music from Benny Hill